*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”