Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
That’s incredible! 👌
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Holy crap this is wonderful
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy