Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
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*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?