The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔