You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
bias laundering edition
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Is your wife single?
Rambo Rambow
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.