6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
You Might Also Like
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Birds & Planes.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.