Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
WTF IS THAT!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.