murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Super Hand Dog Face
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave