To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Meowchelangelo
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.