I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
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Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
The sacred texts.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.