I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Anime is real
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT