Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
You Might Also Like
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Word!
look at me when i’m typing to you
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My favorite farside!!
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?