When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.