Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.