our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Science memes
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?