Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.