compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
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If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Husband of the year 😂
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
🐕🍷
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.