Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.