When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[shakes fist at other fist]
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
sir, my pâté if you please
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence