After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.