If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Have kids, they said
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together