4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.