My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
You Might Also Like
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
💁🏻♂️
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.