Krampus.
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Speak now or ever hold your peace
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”