the council will decide your fate
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“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My girlfriend said Valentine鈥檚 Day is really important to her so I can鈥檛 wait to see what she has planned for us
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
What鈥檚 parenting 4 kids like so far?
I鈥檝e called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 馃槼
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let鈥檚 rock.
For someone who doesn鈥檛 have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.