I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
You Might Also Like
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
thank god
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.