We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Lmao the reply
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”