“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.