Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.