*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I like long walks away from everyone
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
When you kidnap a writer.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Day 2 of my diet
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.