Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
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Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?