PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
who called it hell and not heaven’t
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one