genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ