At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I feel seen
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.