If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.