The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
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After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The Others (2001)
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks