With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
🤣could you imagine
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
For the ones in the back.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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Me: Same
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.