My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My brain is a bad influence on me
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
2022 be like