art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…