ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
You Might Also Like
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.