Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
(Musicians.)
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal