Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
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[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Monday
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*