Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“What movie?” 🤔
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?