When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems