[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
You Might Also Like
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.