I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
where do you see yourself in five years?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
This is what makes twitter great
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
doing some research
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?