Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I hate when that happens.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide