ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.