I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?