me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?